Heal from the effect of other people's choices
Accepting Agency means accepting that other people's choices have an impact in your life. Virtues like Create Solutions and Process Emotions can help you heal from the harm caused by other people's choices.
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The steps below are intended for when you feel really hurt by something someone has done. The principles behind the steps may be helpful even when people's choices harm you in smaller ways.
Let's Get to It! | Here's What to Do:
1 - Process the Emotions
2 - Repair the Relationship
3 - Forgive & Prevent Further Harm
Write a letter to the person whose choices harmed you. They will never read this letter so be totally blunt and honest. Say everything you'd like to say to them no matter how mean it might be. Write just how they've affected you and what emotions you've experienced. Be very specific. Don't hold anything back. Then, destroy the letter.
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Depending on the situation, you might find it helpful to repeat this "write & destroy" exercise multiple times.
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Also, in a separate place, write down all the ways their actions have resulted in good things in your life. In your writing, express gratitude for these unexpected and even ironic blessings. Do not destroy this paper. Treasure it.
Keep in mind that these unexpected blessings don't excuse the person from accountability. You can be grateful for how you've learned and grown from the experience while still wanting the person to understand how they've harmed you, take accountability for their choices, and change their behavior.
If possible, reach out to the person who harmed you and ask their permission to talk with them about how their choices affected you. Because you've done so much emotion processing in the first step, this conversation will go much better. The goal isn't to punish them but to help them understand the impact of their choices so they have the opportunity to repair harm.
Different contexts warrant different approaches to this step. Consider the following questions:
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Is it best to have the conversation in person, on the phone, through writing, or some other way?
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Would this conversation benefit from a mediator? If so, who would be a good mediator?
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Is it best to lead with asking them to listen to how their choices affected you? Or is it best for you listen to them tell you how your choices affected them and then take your turn?
One more thing: keep in mind that it is possible they may not be ready to accept accountability for their choices now. They may not ever be ready in this life. If that is the case, it may not be possible to repair the relationship. But you can still repair it in a spiritual sense. You can read more about that at the bottom of this page.
Follow along with this guided meditation:
Also, set up boundaries that will decrease the likelihood that the person will harm you in the same way again. Consider how the principles and resources on the Act with Balance and Love Everyone pages can help you establish these boundaries.
How Can I Repair the Relationship Spiritually?
Spiritual reality isn't bound by time in the same way that physical reality is. In a spiritual state, you can experience a future where the person has repaired the harm they've done even if they don't want to now.
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When people do harm and don't repair it, they're imbalanced. Everyone has yearnity that moves us to toward a balanced state. For now, ego might be getting in the way of that impulse but eventually, in this life or the next, everyone will tire of the imbalance and want to make it better. In the present moment, you can connect spiritually to the future time where the person who harmed you makes it better. The meditation linked above is designed to help you do that.
